Reality

I live in a new reality. My life in the last year is 180 degrees different. My heart was hurting, my tears were always flowing, I was someone I hated. I hated how I felt. I was so unhappy. I blame no one. I don't even blame myself anymore. Life is, what it is. I am not perfect. No one is, but I have become someone in the last year that I am proud of. I am stronger and happier than I have ever been. Am I always that way? HELL NO! I am sad at times, it's hard being alone. It's hard being a single mom. I didn't set out for this, but God brought me here. How can I be mad at God for bringing me to this place? I can not. I would be judging God's work, and unlike humans, God's work is perfect. God's timing is perfect.

God's will has been a constant battle for me. I do my best most days to follow his will. He has given and provided for me in ways I would have never thought even dreamed!

I look back at this time last year. It was close to my 4th wedding anniversary, AJ's birthday, and so much craziness and drama around our lives was a result of a choices we were given. I will not go into that, because I am not going to bad mouth him. Even though I don't want to respect him, I do. I respect him because he is my children's father. He will always be that. And as many times as he & his family disrespect me...I will stay strong and just stay grounded. They are not my new reality. They are my past. They will be in my children's future, but not mine. It's hard to be nice, and have good thoughts, but if in the least I can be classy and respectful to them, I will do that.

I am, with out a doubt, in a better place than I was before. I am single, not dating even. I have not been single this long since I was 17. God has a reason for this, I do not know it, obviously, but I know he will provide.

Gage and Chloe are my life. I miss them so much when they are with AJ but I get time to myself. They are awesome & smart. I could not ask for better children.

Point...life is good.

Where I am Today

I am divorced. It's been over a month since it was final. I don't have to deal with AJ at all except with the kids. It's been such a relief. There at the end things were so bad. My fog of him has been lifted & it's so night to have my own thoughts instead of his clouding my head. I hate to talk to negativly about him, but it was what it was. He needs a lot of help, and I honestly do pray that he gets help.

I know I was not perfect in the marriage, and I take full responsability for how I behaved. It was just toxic, and we did not need to be together anymore. Gage & Chloe did not need to be around our unhealthyness (is that a word?).

My life is million times better. I am running still. I did hurt myself so I did not get to run the 1/2 marathon I wanted to. I still went to support my class & I had a lot of fun being there with them. I have made some great friends around & it's really helped me get through the staleness of being single.

I am used to that now, being single. I have been on a few dates, but nothing serious. It's been almost a year since AJ and I separeted that I forget what it's like to have a partner. I have a new apartment from the one I started in. The kids have their own room, and the living room is not over flowing with toys!

Gage will start kindergarten in the fall! HOLY CRAP! He will either stay at the daycare - which has a kindergarten - or he'll go to a school by my work. He is a good kid. He does get upset when he knows he has to go to his dad's. It breaks my heart to see him upset. But I have a calendar for him, and it helps him visualize how many days until he comes back home.

Chloe is still sassy, and silly as ever. She is so smart. She chatters all the time. She is a charmer too. She still have this fabulous hop in her walk that I hope never ever goes away.

Life is good. Life is simple. I have so much to be thankful for.